Dolphin’s Dock

Wow. Clearly I missed THAT part of the Inauguration…

(via Tiny Cat Pants).

Oh sure, act all indignant, as if you wouldn’t have done it too if you were made the offer.

I guess there are days where being a convenience store clerk wouldn’t be so bad after all.  Why doesn’t anything like that ever happen where I work?

Every time I read through the search terms that have brought people here via various search engines, something occurs to me:  You folks have some strange fetishes.

CNN seems to be running nearly round the clock coverage of Republican Senator Larry Craig’s sex scandal.  Am I the only one feeling that wrinkly old Republicans having gay sex isn’t exciting enough to warrant that kind of attention?  Maybe if it were some hot young liberal guys (or conservatives, just so long as they are hot), maybe I’d reconsider (I kid, sorta).  Some Republicans are gay, the only people who refuse to admit that are Republicans.

Anyways,  I just happened to catch a snippet of this coverage in which the speaker (I presume an “expert”) was saying, “The most surprising thing is that the vast majority of these men [who seek same-sex sexual encounters in public restrooms] are in long-term heterosexual relationships.  Many of them married, many engaged.”  And that surprises who exactly?  Openly gay men simply don’t need to hang out in public restrooms to satisfy our sexual desires.  Unlike the married “straight” men this “expert” is so surprised about, many of us gay folks are in our own long-term homosexual relationships that actually do provide us with the opportunity to satisfy our sexual needs (among the many other things a relationship provides, but this topic deals with sex).  Those that aren’t at the very least (by virtue of not having to hide their sexuality) are not so repressed as to have some great desire to do turn to bathroom stalls.  Most openly gay men are out looking for other openly gay men to date and develop a relationship with, not some quick discreet fuck by a toilet.  Even those who are just looking for a quick lay can generally take their one-night stands HOME.

This is what should be getting the attention when a story like this breaks.  The immorality isn’t gay sex but rather public lewdness, hypocrisy, adultery, etc.  But above all else, the real story here is that all of those are symptoms of the greater problem which is forcing people to live a lie, through policy that makes it difficult to be honest with oneself and others.

Warning, this post may not be for the prudish.

Ever have one of those incredibly random and bizarre ideas that get stuck in your head and won’t leave until you do something about it?  I did about a week ago when it occurred to be that I’d never worn a thong.  Silly as it may be, I had a great deal of difficulty pushing the thought from my mind so I next time I was in Wal-Mart (for other things, I didn’t go specifically to buy a thong), I picked up a pack of thongs to try out.

For those who’ve never worn one, I have to say first that having what amounts to a string riding up your backside is surprisingly not particularly uncomfortable.  I mean I probably wouldn’t wear one to Jiu-Jitsu class or on a hike through the woods, but sitting at a desk all day?  Not a big deal.  In fact I think I was more keenly aware of my bare bottom being in contact with the inside of my pants than I was with the back of the thong.

The front is a different story.  I’m sure not all thongs are created equal and the Wal-Mart, try-it-on-a-whim brand I got is not the highest in quality (and probably about the lowest in cost), but I think the manufacturing team for this particular brand must be made up entirely of lesbians.  Really, never having seen a man nude is the only acceptable reason to design a male thong with a flat front.  I know the material is somewhat stretchy, but there should not be a half inch (or more) gap between the band of the leg hole and my actual leg.

Of course, being in a thong will make you feel sexy.  That is of course if you avoid mirrors like the plaque until your thong is safely tucked underneath a pair of pants.  One look in the mirror will quickly remind you that feeling sexy and looking sexy are different things entirely.  If you’ve got the body of the guy on the packaging, grab the closest mirror.  If you don’t, just enjoy feeling sexy without taking the risk of actually looking at yourself.

When I first saw this story¹ about an inmate charged with indecent exposure for masturbating in his jail cell, no verdict had yet been handed down and I jokingly commented:

I think I’d define being confined to a jail cell WITHOUT even being able to touch yourself to be cruel and unusual punishment…

Now that a guilty verdict has been reached, I’m wondering if my statement might be more accurate than I’d originally guessed in posting it. Well, perhaps not technically “cruel and unusual,” but perhaps simply not the best thing to be regulating. Prisons may be government-funded and that might make them “public” per se, but I interpret indecent exposure laws as being more concerned with what goes on in the view of the public rather than simply on public-owned land. Prisoners (for good reason) don’t have private rooms they can wander off to. Certainly, they must expose themselves multiple times a day for activities such as showering and using restroom facilities. Many would argue that the drive for sexual release is as natural and common as the activities I mentioned above. In fact, every member of the selected jury acknowledge having masturbated at some point themselves. As a rule, prisoners have no other avenue for sexual release short of raping other inmates (and we don’t want to encourage that do we?). Unless he was wagging it out the window at passing traffic, I have a hard time finding fault (let alone criminal offense) with him just getting off by himself in his cell.

As for the Corrections Officer who filed the charge (as she has with seven other inmates), I’ve little sympathy. If it so terribly offends you to see humans being human, then perhaps a job watching humans day in and day out isn’t the best job for you.

1. Hat-tip: A Stitch in Haste : Voyeur Dire? [↩]