Now, I’m fascinated by watching the things grow. Check out this squash! It was nothing more than a flower less than a week ago. Now it’s about the size of a dollar bill (it may look smaller in the picture because the leaves of the plant are so huge). There’s several more buds on it too, meaning more squash are about to be born. Also we have one bell pepper plant with a single pepper on it. This has been a little slower growing, but still I think it’s pretty cool. The tomato plants have several flowers so will likely have a few tomatoes as well when it’s all said and done. It’s a far cry from “living off the land” but we may just save ourselves $15 in produce. That’s not too bad for a garden that’s only about 4′ in diameter.

Well I certainly had no plans of trading it in prior to the news. It’s a good car, despite it’s high mileage. A 98 Camry that (appeared, though I’m not so sure now) to have been well-kept by it’s previous owner prior to my buying it a year and a half ago. With a two-tone paint job, wood grain interior, leather seats, moonroof, power everything, etc it was more “luxury” than I can afford new. So what to do? Seemed my options were driving it until the engine died and just keeping my fingers crossed that it would happen sooner rather than later, spending $2500-3000 to put a new engine in a car not worth much more than that, or buying a new car (technically I could have bought another used car, but prices on used have shot up so much lately that unless I got some VERY used I think I’d be better off just paying a bit more and getting something new). The first option wasn’t very appetizing. Just waiting for the inevitable doesn’t seem to be smart, especially when I’d still end up having to go with one of the other options only maybe a little later and but with more urgency (not to mention with the hassle of potentially getting stranded somewhere).

I put alot of thought into the other two. A new car would put me in a new car, hopefully free from mechanical problems (and if not, under warranty so I wouldn’t have to pay for them), everything would be new inside and out and so it’ll all last me a good long time (knock on wood). On the other hand, simply replacing the engine, while expensive, doesn’t even come close to the cost of purchasing a new car and could potentially add several years to the life of my current car (which as of this moment is mechanically sound with the exception of the whole “need to replace the engine” thing). The more I thought about it, the more I realized the little “problems” in my current car. For one, one of the seat belts in the back is “sprung” (doesn’t roll back into the slot). There is a tear in the leather on the driver’s seat though it’s not in a noticeable location and one in the backseat that is more noticeable but smaller. The leather on the head rests in both front seats look fine now but running your hand across them you can feel the brittleness of the leather there as well as see it if you look at it from an angle in the right light. The power lock on the driver’s door hasn’t worked since I’ve owned it (the lock works, you just have to lock and unlock it manually). The speakers for the radio are dry-rotted, though the sound is good enough for me in the car. All little things that aren’t really THAT big of a deal, but when I if I drop $3000 on a new engine, I’m going to want to drive the car for years to come to feel like I got my money’s worth. And none of these problems are going to go away and some (particularly the cracking seats) will get worse. If the two tears in the seats right now can only grow over the next 5 or 6 years and the parts that are brittle parts will likely become cracks in that time period, further, that’s all presuming that there are no other yet to appear mechanical problems in the decade old car). So when considering whether or not to replace the engine, I had to consider not only what my car is like now, but what might it be like in 5 years or so. Ultimately I decided that it wasn’t worth it.

So that means I’m getting a new car. As someone who wonders if most car manufacturers are going out of their way to make their cars ugly these days, finding something in my price range that I liked (or could even just stand) the appearance of was no easy task. I’m fairly brand loyal to Toyota, but I utterly despise the look of the new Camrys (not to mention that outside of the most basic no extra frills model, they are a bit out of my price range) so I wasn’t replacing my Camry with a Camry. And the cheapest Toyota car, the Yaris, is aesthetically bearable in the sedan version (but I still wouldn’t say I like it) and because it’s designed for the extremely budget-conscious, it’s options packages are quite limiting. Fortunately, the 2009 Corolla has a number of changes to it’s body style that actually improved it’s appearance pretty significantly from previous versions. I actually think the 09 Corolla S (which includes the “sport package” on the body) makes a right cute little car. Runner up (which I gave serious thought to as well) was the VW Jetta, but ultimately my brand loyalty, price (the Jetta’s slightly higher price tag came with more features, but nothing that I specifically wanted that I couldn’t also get on the Corolla), and fuel efficiency (the Corolla beats the Jetta by 6 mpg both in city and highway) allowed the Corolla S to win out.

They didn’t have the exact car I wanted on the lot (actually, they were completely out of Corolla Ss), so I test drove a Corolla LE. With the same engine, same transmission, and same suspension as the S, the only drivability related difference between the LE and the S is that the S comes with a slightly larger wheel which (if anything) will give me a slightly smoother ride. I’d read reviews of the 09 Corolla suggesting that the power steering didn’t give enough feed back (meaning it felt “loose”) and that the brakes didn’t seem as responsive then would grab suddenly (I recognize what they are referring to because TheBoyfriend™’s car feels that way to me), but I didn’t notice either of those things in my test drive, despite being looking for them. My only complaints were that it felt like the dash was very low (felt like I was looking toward my feet just to check my speed) and there was a noticeable momentary loss of power when the gears shifted. The first is something I’ll get used to, and the second is a given with a less powerful vehicle, and is a trade off you have to deal with to get the better gas mileage. The trunk had at least as much space as the trunk of my Camry which was surprising and while the backseat wasn’t quite as roomy, I got in and felt like I (at 5′ 11.5″) could sit comfortably back there for a trip around town (though it might get cramped during a long car trip).

It was enough to convince me that it was my next car though, and so I’ve placed my order. Seeing as how they didn’t even have a S available on the lot, they certainly didn’t have one specced out precisely the way I wanted it, so I don’t yet have my car. I should have it by mid-August (knock on wood the engine in my current car will last that long). It sucks to have to wait, but I will be getting EXACTLY the car I want (pictured on the right). I’m not excited about having a car payment, and I didn’t want to buy a new car this soon, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about it.

I’m surprised, a little worried, and yet also a bit relieved that you haven’t called yet since finding it. I figure maybe you knew I had my martial arts class last night so I wouldn’t have been available to answer the phone, and today you’re waiting until after work for what could be a long call. Maybe it’s none of that and you just needed (or still need) some time first. Either way, I’m going to assume you will call me when you’re ready. I’m not sure if you’ll be back to read this prior to that time or not, but I hope you will.

I guess first and foremost, what you need to know is that this isn’t something new, it’s not a phase, and it’s not going to change or go away. Nor is it something you did “wrong” in raising me. I am what I am, and what’s more, it’s who I’m supposed to be. This information probably changes a few of the hopes and dreams you have for me, but I hope that you’ll allow them to be changed not into something that is better or worse, than what you had previously had in mind, but just different. And if I’m right that among your greatest hopes for me was/is that I’d grow up to be healthy, happy, and loved; then rest assured that those hopes have come true and continue to be true, no changes necessary.

I’m sorry that you found out by reading my blog instead of hearing it directly from my lips, but I hope that at least it was easier for you to handle getting to have it come together a bit more slowly as you read instead of getting hit with it all at once, and I’m sure a variety of things make alot more sense to you now. I also apologize for not telling you sooner. Know that it was difficult for me to keep a part of myself hidden from you. I wanted you to know, because I love you, and didn’t want to keep things from you, yet it’s hard when I know the transition is likely to be a difficult one for both of us. It was comparatively easy to just hide it during the brief times I came to visit or you guys came out here, but it was really a fair to either of us that I did so. I’m still scared of how this might hurt you and how you’ll respond when we speak next, but I’m also relieved that it’s out on the table so now we can do what we need to do to get through it.

I guess there’s not that much more to say that I can post here, but, I hope you read this. I hope you know that I love you and that nothing has changed. I’m still the same person I’ve always been. Most importantly, I hope that we can make it through this quickly and end up with an even stronger relationship for it.