Dolphin’s Dock

I had always seen myself as one day being a father. Even after realizing that I was gay (and what that meant so far as actually producing a child), I knew I wanted to adopt or perhaps have a child through a surrogate or something. I very distinctly remember on cold night, when I was about 13, carefully wrapping our new puppy up in a small blanket to carry it outside which caused my mother to break down in (happy) tears over how good of a dad I’d be.

Yet, the reality is adoption by a gay couple would be a difficult (but not impossible) thing to accomplish in a conservative state such as mine. What little bit TheBoyfriend™ and I had discussed the matter (and we didn’t discuss it alot because until recently it seemed like it’d be a long way off before we could even consider it), it seemed that by the time we were really ready, we’d be too old. It wasn’t until last year when a good friend of mine asked if we had thought about adopting, that it dawned on me that I’d finally grown to accept the fact that I’d probably never have children. I think consciously, prior to hearing the question, I still had just taken for granted that one day I’d have a kid or two, but when forced to actually voice the intention one way or the other it occurred to me that it simply might not be in the cards. Further, for the first time when thinking about such things, I found myself ok with that. Not thrilled, but not upset either.

Well here lately, TheBoyfriend™ (who is currently counseling children for a living) has been making little comments like “…almost makes me want to adopt” or “if we had a child…” but never really going much deeper than that. The other day I walked into the office and he was looking at the website of an adoption agency. Just seeing what the process would be like “were we to think about it someday…”

Truth is, I don’t really know what to think now.  It’ll be at least until we get into our new house, no matter what, but it’s taken me by surprise (which is surprising in and of itself).  I’d finally just gotten comfortable with the idea of not having kids, and now it looks like I might end up with at least one after all.  I’m not opposed to the idea, so why is it scaring the hell out of me even in these very preliminary stages of discussion?

Posted on November 13th in Family | Permalink

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